my weaknesses today

Today, I vacuumed like a fiend!  No, I am not Suzy Homemaker.  I got a new Dyson!  My old vacuum is still sitting in the hallway.  I'm sure my husband would like that to be gone from the hallway when he gets home.

Today, I moved 20 gallons of paint from the garage to the shed in an effort to continue organizing my garage.  No, it is still not organized.  I mean, look at this!

Today, I assembled a new wardrobe for dance costumes.  When I disassembled the old one, I whacked myself in the head with a pole.  Yeah, that felt good.

Today, I admitted to the world (via Facebook) that I am not in the least bit domestic.  It went like this:  "I think I'll start blogging for moms who can't cook, are allergic to the kitchen, couldn't care less about being crafty, but still want to raise world changers. I'm feeling incredibly inadequate when I see all these domestic genius moms around me. You all are amazing! How can a non-domestic type compare!? :-) Maybe you all can look into mass producing your domesticity and shipping it to us kitchen/craft phobes."  Yes, I am passionate.  Yes, I love my husband and my children.  Yes, I love my country.  Yes, I love Jesus, the Lord and Savior and forever Healer of my life!  Yes, I speak boldly about the things the move my heart.   But, I hate crafts, baking, cooking and doing creative things that would otherwise please my family.  I don't even like to babysit.  How's that for some honesty?  When I put something on the stove, I walk away and forget about it because I just don't want to stand there idly waiting for food to do what it does.  I burn things because of this.  I often have pots that boil over.  My husband shakes his head.  Contrary to popular belief, I cannot multitask.  Yes, I have many things going on at one time and they all sit unfinished as I start a new task.  I will eventually finish each one, but not before annoying myself and my husband by the mess I leave in my wake.  My son, Brandon, is the same way.

Today, I read this blog post:  Competitive Mothering and I loved it and it has inspired me to boast in my weaknesses.  I try to follow many wonderful mom blogs, but what I really want to know that they have Mount Washmore in their laundry hampers, too.  I mean, how do these gorgeous women homeschool numerous children, bake the best cinnamon rolls in the world, keep a spotless house, raise goats and chickens, and have time to write about it?!!  I often have the most hideous time management.  I would rather play a logic puzzle on my phone than do some task that would actually allow me more leisure to read a book, play a game, etc.  I spend too much time on my computer and I need to do something about that.  Right now, as I write, my dining room table houses an old purse and a tote bag full of papers...both of which I really need to put away.  The manual to my new Dyson is poking out from under my computer and there are about 157 lego pieces strewn over the table.  Oh! and 2 Hershey's Kisses (which I should not have eaten) wrappers stare at me reminding me that Christmas has been one poor excuse for too much egg nog, candy, cookies, and calories.  I refuse to step on the scale.  Ha!

I hope that in the next week, I will finish the garage and the shed.
I hope that I will get back on my bike and be motivated to do so.
I hope that I have not gained the 5 pounds I'm pretty sure have glued themselves to my waist and tush.
I hope it's only 5, and not more.
I hope that we will melt into a decent "school" schedule.
I hope I will read instead of wasting time on Facebook and logic puzzles.  And maybe clean the house a bit, too.
I hope I will write more.  I like to do that and so many ideas fly through my mind, but I don't take the time to do it....because Mt. Washmore is calling my name.

Anyway, this is a little bit of venting, but mostly I just want to keep it real and boast in my weaknesses.  I have two AWESOME boys who, today, when my hub showed them a pic of a "politically connected family" who recently visited our desert, they recognized the political figure in the bunch.  They read Red Wall books and I am shocked over that.  They just counted out nearly $60 in change all on their own.  And when I asked them to clean the guinea pig cage, they did it.  I have clean floors today (ok, so they do need a good mopping).  I have paint stored properly.  I have costumes (almost) put away --- ok, so there's still a pile on my bed!  I have a husband that probably would like a wholesome home-cooked meal but loves me even when most of the time that just doesn't happen.  My home is full and beautiful, but my yard has junk all over it.  My dog door is really dirty...it's almost gross...no, it IS gross.  And I have no idea how to clean it effectively.  Many people think I am amazing.  I'm not...obviously.  I'm just me.  But in those things where I excel, I want to be a blessing.  And I want a cozy home for my family.  I think I accomplish these things (for the most part).

I am a work in progress and may never be Rachel Ray in the kitchen, but I will get better at the things I'm not so hot at.  "He who began a good work in [me] will be faithful to complete it..."  There's always something to work on.  (And I didn't even talk about my unpleasant responses to the people that annoy me.) Be strong in my weaknesses, Lord!

It's getting dark and I have to go to the shed.
And I will reheat the Christmas chili (which I cheated and made from a kit) for dinner... which neither of my boys are thrilled about, but my hub loves.

And it's ok that I'm not a domestic diva.  I am a patriotic, Christ-loving, passionate wife and mom; and I don't know too many like me.  That may make me a really radical odd ball, but today I'll be glad that I am filling a unique role that a handful of others appreciate, and I feel called to.

9

I have known my Jamie for 19 years.  He is the kindest and most giving man I've ever met.  It's totally bonus to be able to live with him and be around him every day.  How he tolerates his crazy wife on a daily basis is beyond me.

Us in Death Valley in March.

Jame,
Hey sweetie,
Happy Anniversary.  9 years.

The best thing that has ever happened to me is knowing you.  You have helped me heal from the greatest tragedies in my life.  You have supported me in my wild passions - and helped me think reasonably (something I desperately struggle with).  You have become the greatest husband and dad I've ever seen or known.  Thank you for that.

Nine years ago on a sunny and warm July day, we were surrounded by friends and loved ones.  What a time we had!  I cherish the stability and security and trust I have in you.  Now, we are surrounded by our own little tribe and what a treasure they are...even Lily!
These 9 years have been such a blessing.  You have been so generous.  Here's to dozens more!

Happy Day, Happy Life!
I love you,

a liberated woman

“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings him shame is like rottenness in his bones.” (Pr. 12:4)

“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” (Pr. 27:15)

“A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike.” (Pr. 27:15)

I read the “Men R Fools” chapter of Dr. James Dobson’s Bringing Up Boys recently and was sickened (again) by the influence of the oppressive feminist mindset in our culture.

Age old, centuries old, generations old foundations that have been lost in recent years as a result of the subversive feminist movement which has had the opposite effect it claims to pursue: liberate women.  The only problem is women are “liberated” from being the easiest and most natural thing for them to be, and thus denying women of their very nature.  This isn’t liberation, it is bondage.  Roles are confused and result only in tension and frustration in marriage.  Women do not yield to their husbands and instead struggle for control.  As if women don’t have enough to worry about: the well-being of our uniquely designed bodies, care of our homes, husbands, children, educating our children, outside-the-home pursuits.  A woman’s life is full enough without adding onto it the pressures of decisions and provision that God has ordained our husbands to take on...with our support and wisdom.

My friend recently said, “I want to be led by my man and he to be led by God.”  Peace, contentment, and joy will follow.

I’m a firm believer in “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  The far-from-noble feminists of society have relentlessly “fixed” that which was not broken, and now it is a shattered mess of debris unrecognizable for it’s original purpose.

How glad I am, though, to find freedom in being a wife and mom.  I am surrounded by a multitude of other women that understand and embrace their roles, as well.  Each is deeply influential and that influence is far-reaching beyond their imagination.  

To not have to be squeezed into the feminist mold is exhilarating.

“He who finds a wife is a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” (Pr. 18:22)

Of course, as I write all of this I am very aware that I am so far from the noble & virtuous woman of Proverbs 31.  My poor husband puts up with a whole lot from me.  I am opinionated, loud, and sassy.  My husband is far more of a blessing to me than I am to him.  “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own.” (Php. 3:12)  

“And I am sure of this, the He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Php. 1:16)

infuse, breathe, live... so that others may follow.

If you have read this blog to any extent or browsed over my face page or peeked at the "mourning to dancing" scriptural reference, you are already well aware of the great significance of these two verses in my life:

"You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent, O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever."  ~Psalm 30:11-12  

"Wailing to dancing" for so long has been the theme of this verse for me, but the phrase "not be silent" has become the theme of my life presently…because I want to inspire people in general towards being intentional mothers and fathers, patriots, and Christians.  I want to tell the world that there is great peace and hope and joy in life!  I want to be instrumental in turning the culture of this world rightside-up.

We fill several roles in our lives.  Here are many of my own:

Christian. 

Wife. 

Daughter. 

Mom. 

Sister. 

Friend. 

Daughter-in-law. 

Mother-in-law. 

Sister-in-law. 

Aunt. 

Niece. 

Dancer. 

Teacher. 

Driver. 

American.

...and I am just a regular girl.  Think of the multitude of roles you fill.

Given these roles, I often ponder my personal sphere of influence.  I hope I am:

• Inspiring others to salvation. 
• Being an example in trials.
• Of good character and moral reputation.  

Of course the role "Mommy" is most significant in my life since I spend the majority of my time raising two little guys to be godly heroes and patriots.  

So, how do I inspire them toward goodness?

1. The habit of going to church
• When my children were babies, I was up early on Sunday mornings to pack up the diaper bag with all the necessary items.  Then I would drag myself, baby, Bible, and bag to the car.  Upon arriving at church, I would drag myself, baby, Bible, and bag to the church nursery where I would hear 3 words of the sermon as I mixed formula, fed, changed, cleaned up after my little guy.  I often thought, "Why do I keep doing this?  I never hear the message.  Everything I do here I could do more comfortably at home and actually catch the sermon on the radio or the internet."  But still, every Sunday I went through the same exhausting routine.  Why?  Because I wanted my children to know that fellowship with other believers and being taught the Word of God is a priority and it is just something we do and we don't compromise on it.  Church is a big part of who we Peterson's are.
2. Reading Scripture together and expounding on it.
3. Spending lots of time together.
4. Being prepared to answer their questions so they can learn a godly perspective of everything in life.
• We can only answer questions if we personally are educated in Biblical teachings, knowledge, and wisdom.  Read.  Learn.  Do this for the sake of your children.  And how often have I run to Bing or Google to answer one of my kid's questions?  Resources are at our fingertips...literally.

"I am responsible to whisper the secrets of the Kingdom of God into the lives, hearts, and minds of my children." ~Sally Clarkson

The dictionary definition of "inspire" is: to infuse by breathing; to infuse with ideas or poetic spirit.  Mommies, you have such a beautiful opportunity.  Don't you want to breathe into your children beauty, love, and truth? 

"All I am I owe to my mother.  I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual, and physical education I received from her." ~George Washington 

"Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." ~Proverbs 22:6

"All great change in America begins at the dinner table." ~Ronald Reagan 

Ronald Reagan had this to say about Jesus:  

"A young man whose father is a carpenter grows up working in his father's shop.  He has no formal education.  He owns no property of any kind.  One day he puts down his tools and walks out of his father's shop.  He starts preaching on street corners and in the countryside…  This uneducated, propertyless young man who preached on street corners…had a greater effect on the entire world than all the rulers, kings, and emperors, all the conquerors, the generals and admirals, all the scholars, scientists, and philosophers who ever live--all put together."

This same inspirational and influential Jesus lives in you.

I so often meditate on the idea of influence.  It motivates the majority of what I do.  My posts on Facebook and Twitter, my posts here, what I read, how I educate my children, the opportunities I choose to involve myself in, the people I choose to associate with (Do they inspire me toward righteousness?  Can I offer any encouragement or direction to them?).  I, however, never considered how I might negatively influence others until my recent President's Day visit to the Nixon Presidential Library.  I stood captivated in the Vietnam War P.O.W. exhibit.  I want to share with you one of the things I read on a display:

In spite of international treaties and conventions calling for the humane treatment of prisoners of war, as many as 95% of U.S. prisoners were tortured in an attempt to extract military information or propaganda statements.  Commander Eugene. G. "Red"McDaniel took 900 lashes with a fan belt over 15 days and was forced to hold his broken arm over his head for five days.  Asked during these torture sessions for military information, he replied again and again, "Shove it."  Another prisoner was hung by his broken arm until he agreed to a staged propaganda meeting with anti-war activist Ramsey Clark.  Upon returning from his fact finding visit, Clark assured Congress that prisoners were being well treated.  Yet another had an arm and leg broken for refusing to meet with activist Jane Fonda during her visit to Hanoi.  Later she branded those who claimed prisoners were being tortured as "liars."

I don't know what Ms. Fonda's or Mr. Ramsey's motivation was in pursuing this so avidly.  Perhaps they genuinely thought they were doing the right thing.  Regardless, the end result of their efforts did nothing to help American P.O.W.'s, but quite the contrary, it caused them more pain and suffering, and spread deception over those who should have been doing all they could to help these soldiers.

Unfortunately, I have been guilty of a similar offense.  Shortly after my own abortion, a close friend of mine found herself in a crisis pregnancy.  I can offer all sorts of excuses here for my bad judgment, but the blood on my own hands was undeniable because I took her to Planned Parenthood for an abortion: a beating heart was halted and a woman was burdened with grief and secrecy.  I felt like I'd be a hypocrite if I told her not to go through with the abortion.  I should have, at the very least, remained silent and not aided in the murder of an innocent life.  

In the great wisdom of Spiderman: "With great power comes great responsibility."  We all have influence on someone.  Have we always used it for good?

"And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father and through Him." ~Colossians 3:17

Did you know that each of us is called by God to be influential?

"But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine:  …the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things -- that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed." ~Titus 2:1,3-5 

Can you think of godly women who inspire you?  


Let me share with you two women who, through no extra effort of their own, but just in their regular daily lives inspire me to be a better wife. 
My mom.
I was able to witness dozens and maybe hundreds of love notes written on little slips of paper and even with a marker on the bathroom mirror.  Just the word "more" was all that was necessary to tell the other that he/she was so deeply loved.  This continued until my sweet step-dad exited this life...still my mom's heart remains his.
Denise.
The blessing was all mine when I met Bill and Denise.  I was taken lovingly under her wing and what I witnessed will remain with me for all eternity.  She is one of the most godly women I have ever known and, I imagine, will ever know, but let me share with you a couple of little efforts taken by her that shout to the world that she adores her husband.  When Bill bought a truck with a big bench seat in the front, I ALWAYS saw her slide all the way next to him in the middle seat so she could be near him.  Denise ALWAYS refers to Bill as "my Bill" whether she addresses him personally or is introducing him.  They have been married for more than 45 years.

You are influential and inspiring...even if you don't see the fruit of it in this lifetime.

I dreamed I went to Heaven. You were there with me.  

We walked upon the streets of gold beside the Crystal Sea.  

We heard the angels singing, then someone called your name.  

You turned and saw this young man, and he was smiling as he came.  

He said, "Friend, you may not know me now," and then he said "But wait - 

You used to teach my Sunday School, when I was only eight.  

And every week you would say a prayer before the class would start. 

And one day when you said that prayer, I asked Jesus in my heart…  

Then another man stood before you, he said, "Remember the time, 

a missionary came to your church, his pictures made you cry.  

You didn't have much money, but you gave it anyway.  

Jesus took that gift you gave and that's why I'm here today."  

One by one they came, far as your eyes could see.  

Each life somehow touched by your generosity.  

Little things that you had done, 

sacrifices that you had made, 

they were unnoticed on this earth, 

in Heaven now proclaimed.  

Thank you for giving to the Lord, I am a life that was changed. 

Thank you for giving to the Lord, I am so glad you gave.  

And I know up in Heaven your not supposed to cry, 

but I am almost sure there were tears in your eyes 

as Jesus took your hand and you stood before the Lord, 

He said, "My child, look around you, great is your reward."  

~Thank you for giving to the Lord by Ray Boltz

Happy Birthday, Jame!

I have a real-live hero living under my roof.  He catches bad guys.  Helps those in need.  Comforts those who suffer loss.  Brings peace to hostility.

Who's the hero?
My husband, of course!

Jamie is a fantastic officer.  Trustworthy, just, compassionate, kind, firm.  Well-balanced.
Jamie is an awesome dad.  Loving the boys.  Tickle monster to them.  Creator of squeals from little lungs.  Counselor.  Corrector.  Hugger.
Jamie is a considerate husband.  Thoughtful.  Sacrificing.  Preferring.  A servant, leader.  Generous.  Kind.  Selflessly loving.

He's funny and fun.  Quiet and wise.  Sarcastic and practical.

And I totally don't deserve him.  Poor guy!  He could've done so much better. ;)

Happy Birthday, Sweetie.

a broken engagement

I was 21 and it was shortly after my abortion and the radical salvation and healing of the Lord when someone came into my life who I truly believed was the one.  A Christian, a leader, kind.  We dated and were engaged within a few months.

One morning we spoke on the phone and he began to read a Proverb to me.  He had previously been increasingly critical of the way I ate and dressed.  So, as he read these verses to me, I began to feel under attack.  It angered me that he wasn't satisfied with me as me.  And so I let him have it.  I yelled.  I hung up on him. I expected him to call back to apologize. He didn't call. I called him back. Told him he'd better call me back (ok, stop laughing).  Hung up the phone again.  The phone rang.  He apologized.  I was late for work.  I ended the call and got in my car.

It was an hour-and-a-half drive to work (from San Diego to Anaheim), so I had a lot of time to think.  I can not remember a time in my life when I felt I actually HEARD God speak audibly to me.  And I can't say that this instance was actually audible but it was such a clear word that I knew without a doubt was from Him.  As I drove up the 5 freeway, the Pacific Ocean to my left...  "He is not it."  "What?" I said aloud.  Again, "He is not it."  "Ok," again aloud.  It was that simple.

Ladies, if you're dating: just because he's a Christian doesn't mean he's the one.  Yes, we must be equally yoked (2 Cor. 6:14-18), but don't stop there.  Make sure you are well-matched in other areas.  This guy was dear.  Very kind and truly had a heart for Jesus.  But he was mildly critical of me in a way that was not mild in my eyes.  He was horrifically late and sucked at time-management.  (We had to tell him that Easter dinner was 3 hours earlier than it actually was...and he was still late.  No, I am NOT kidding.)  I was young, anxious, eager to marry, immature, and apparently had terrible eating habits and bad fashion-sense.

As I drove to work that day, I knew I had been given a clear directive from the Lord.  I was not to marry this man.  It was plain and simple, cut and dry.  A few days later, I drove back down to San Diego, picked him up and told him that we had to talk after the event we were attending.  At the end of the evening, I pulled him aside and told him that I was very sorry but believed the Lord told me we were not supposed to be married.  He clung to me for only a moment, and then composed himself.  There were a few instances of him meeting me at work and following me (non stalker-like) from here to there, but ultimately there was an amicable end.  One day, I wrote him a letter.  I wish I could remember what I said, but I don't.  I shared it with a pastor and friend and he told me that my fiance had just shown him a letter (written to me) that was nearly a carbon copy of mine.  Later, when the two of us were together and he read to me his letter.  Then, I pulled out mine and read it to him.  It was so clearly from the Lord that we both hugged, I gave him the engagement ring, and we walked away.  Knowing it was the right thing to do.  No anger.  No spite.  No ill-will.  Just love, peace, and hope for what God had in store for each of us.

Though it was a parting time, it was an exhilarating experience having resonated with the Holy Spirit and thus gaining confidence in the certainty of making a correct and major move.

This man would have always been kind.  He would have always been seeking the Lord.  He would have been a good husband and father.  But little things coupled with my lack of maturity at that point in my life would have rubbed my personality the wrong way and driven me to incredible frustration and probably resentment.

Fast forward 15 years.
The same girl, married to a treasured husband with 2 dear boys.  Jamie and I are so well-matched.  We enjoy each other's sarcasm and humor.  We share passions in faith and politics.  No, we are not the same in many things but still fit so well together.

Why do I share this?  I don't know.  Just another page of my life.  A chapter, really.  A short chapter when I almost audibly heard the voice of God...and OBEYED IT.  Confident.  Peaceful.  Unafraid.  Right.  Not every decision in life is like that, though I wish it was and I imagine it could be if I was faithful to remain unwaveringly in tune with the Holy Spirit.  How different life would be if I had plowed on ahead with what I thought I wanted.

I have always been one that when I wander off the path God has put me on, a time comes when I know I must return to it.  Sometimes it is like this:  a gentle command and my obedience.  Sometimes it is devastation and I must crawl back on my hands and knees.  But there is always a return and I am always glad for the return, though often frustrated with my selfish will and desires that took me from the path to begin with.   A girl of passions and dreams is easily lured away....but only for a time.  Because there is a Love greater than the lures and it beckons me back.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; 

therefore, with lovingkindness have I drawn you." 

~Jeremiah 31:3

Yes, He has drawn me with His lovingkindness.  He has covered me with His forgiveness.  How those times I am unfaithful must break His heart.  But like the father of the Prodigal, He runs to me, puts His ring on my finger, and throws a party in honor of my return (Luke 15:11-32).  Never again considering the offense.   (Psalm 103)

Completing him...Remember your vows

I adore my husband.  He is the hero of our family.  How thankful I am that he is a man who stands by his wife, a dad who showers love on his children, and a man of character.

"Man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." ~Genesis 2:24

 "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is Savior of the body.  Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.  So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself." ~Galatians 5:22-28

Join me in the Completing Him Challenge.  I am several months behind, but whatev!  

Other Completing Him posts: Before the wedding

Completing him...before the wedding

High Tea at the Huntington Library, Pasadena, CA. 2002.

 "When I found the one whom my soul loves 

I held him,

and would not let him go..."

~Song of Solomon 3:4

I have often said that Jamie and I have 

an "Anne of Green Gables" love story

...and now you will see why.

Jamie and I met the summer of 1992 through friends.  His best friend was dating my friend's sister.  They had wanted us to meet and I resisted.  One night, I ended up at my friend's home after work and they threw me in her mom's minivan and zipped me up to Poway.  I had no idea where we were headed and was excited about the surprise destination until I finally realized I was going to be meeting this guy.

They jumped out.  I followed reluctantly and met Jamie.  We went for a walk in the night to a nearby park and the first thing he asked me was about my salvation in Jesus.  Over the next year and a half, we dated a few months, broke up, dated again, broke up.  Until I went through the most desperately trying time of my life.  A few months later, I knew I had to tell Jamie what I had gone through.  I don't know why.  I just felt compelled to let him know.  Jamie ended up being a true friend and confidante.  I was so thankful for his friendship and trustworthiness.  It became obvious that he wanted more than friendship and so, I backed out of our friendship.  Since my abortion and the broken relationship with the guy I was with at that time, I had no desire to have a boyfriend or any romantic relationship.  I was just too hurt and convinced I didn't deserve to be with anyone save Jesus.  So, Jamie and I parted ways...or more accurately, I parted.  

I ended up meeting a sweet man, a Christian, and we eventually got engaged.  And I landed the job dancing at Disneyland during this time.  As the engagement drew on, it became very clear that he was not who God had for me.  He was kind and sweet, but just not the one.  How did I know this?  After an argument over the phone one morning (which Jamie ironically witnessed...since I stayed with his family on occasion), I got in my car a drove from Poway to Disneyland.  It's an hour and a half drive so I had a lot of time to think.  Clear as anything and almost audibly I heard God say to me, "He's not the one."  "What?" I replied.  Again, "He's not the one."  Peace overwhelmed me and I knew it was over between me and this guy.  So a few days later when I saw him, we ended our relationship amicably and peacefully.  (Click here for this whole story.)  Matter of fact.  It was simple, clean, clear, right.  A few days later, Jamie had arranged to get together.  I was convinced that we were going to hang out as friends.  Over dinner, he asked me what happened with the guy I was with, so I told him that God told me it was over.  Then Jamie said something to me I will never forget and took me by surprise, "Has God told you anything about me?"  I was so clueless that he even liked me anymore.  It had been several months since we cut things off.  Much had happened in my life.  Healing.  Engagement.  Disneyland.  Dance ministry. My new life in Christ.  So, I assumed he had moved on too.  But, no, he was waiting for me.

I was so taken aback by his question that I had no idea how to respond except to be truthful.  So, I reached across the table and put my hand on his and said, "Oh Jamie, I'm so sorry, but no."  

And so, over the next couple of years, on occasion, Jamie would corner me and ask, "Has God told you anything about me?"  I would always say, "No."  And he would be cool as a cucumber. He did tell me once, though, that God told him I was the one he would marry and he was just supposed to wait for me.  At times, I would be frustrated, rude and blunt.  I was totally convinced we would never end up together.  

He finally started dating someone new.  They were together for 3 years.  And then one day he called me and said they were over.  They fought all the time.  He wanted to know why he and I had never argued.  He wanted to come up to Orange County and take me to dinner.  I tried to discourage him, but he was persistent, so I tried to find the most un-romantic restaurant I could think of.  So, I found a place called "The Barn."  LOL!  I had knee surgery.  He came up to take care of me.  I moved.  He came up to move my things...numerous times...even when I was overseas on cruise ship contracts.  He was always there helping me.  You already know how he comforted me so much through my abortion.  

On my second cruise, my Grandfather became very ill.  He had heart surgery the day before I went to the ship.  He was fine when I left, but his condition worsened and my communication with family was very limited because we were coming through Central America and the Panama Canal.  I was able to call from Mexico days before we ported in San Diego and discovered my precious Grandpa was in and out of ICU.  He sounded terrible.  I prayed he would hold on until the ship arrived in San Diego.  On a Friday morning, I woke early.  Got myself together and waited until the ship was clear to disembark.  I rushed up to the open top deck and stood on a platform.  My family, Jamie, and his parents were on the embarcadero.  I shouted to them and they all waved.  I waited impatiently to get off the ship and as soon as I was off, I jumped in my mom's car and all of us rushed to the hospital where my Grandpa was back in the ICU.  I went in to see him.  He was able to open his eyes and I could see he was trying to talk to me, but no sound came out.  My Uncle Troy stood on the other side of the bed.  My Grandpa just stared at me and I at him...trying not to cry.  Troy said, "Hey Dad, Kori's good medicine, eh?"  And my Grandpa nodded his head.  What a gift to me in those last moments I would ever see my beloved Grandpa!  He squeezed my hand and then I had to go.  I had to return to the ship.  Why?  Why didn't I just stay off that stupid ship?  A major regret of my life.  

The following Monday, I arrived in Vancouver.  I called my mom.  My Uncle Todd spoke to me.  They were making the very difficult decision to take my Grandpa off life support.  I hesitated and clung to the phone, not wanting to hang up.  As long as I held the phone line open, my Grandpa was alive.  But I knew that after I hung up, the decision would be made and he would be gone.  I loved my Grandpa so desperately.  He was so special. He was my only father figure for most of my life.  I treasured him more than I can ever express.  My Grandpa had a round head and a crew cut.  He would sit on the leather chair in the living room, and read his paper and I would brush the palm of my hand across the short hairs on top of his head and tell him he needed a haircut and kiss him on his head.  He called me "Coke" and he often told me, "Honey, don't ever change."  He appreciated my crazy energy and spunk.  I knew I meant all the world to him...all of us grandchildren were special to him.  And I may be delusional in saying this but I always felt like I was the most special.  I was the first grandchild.  In truth, I doubt I was any more special than any other, but he made me feel that way.  He was special.

And so, that Monday, my Grandpa breathed his last and I was not there for it.  But Jamie.  He was in the hospital that day.  He wasn't in the room, but he was there.  I thought nothing of it at the time.  But, now it means all the world to me. 

Jamie has been present during the greatest tragedies of my life.  A year earlier, I had returned from Europe after an ugly end to my first cruise ship contract.  He was at the airport...with a rose in hand.  I have a picture of us hugging.  But, again, I didn't give it a second thought at the time.

And so several years passed.

In 2002, the Monday before Jamie's graduation from the Academy was the 8 year anniversary of my abortion.  Although it had been a good day, I wished that someone could share it with me and then I wished it could be Jamie.  I wrote him a letter I never planned on giving to him and found old letters of his.  I had read his letters before and always tossed them aside and all of a sudden I found myself reading the very same letters and sobbing my heart out.  I couldn't believe that someone would love me that much.  I felt more and more drawn to him and all I could think of was 1 John 4:19, "We love Him because He first loved us."  It was Jamie's love that was drawing me back to him.  The Lord began opening my eyes to everything Jamie had done for me, even beyond his wonderful support during the roughest time of my life.  He was the first person I called when my dance ministry broke up.  All along he had always made sacrifices for me.

I flew to Sacramento the following Thursday evening to meet him for the graduation.  In spite of my very late flight and his having to be up very early, he still said he would meet me at the airport, stating, "It will only prove that I love you."

The graduation was a test for me.  How will I feel when I see him?  I just stepped back and waited.  Nothing.  He held my hand on the return to the airport...and I didn't pull my hand away.

Upon returning home, I found myself praying like crazy because I just didn't know what to do.  I was reading Choosing God's Best:

Christians don't follow a dream, they follow God's revelation.  They look toward the Revealer.

For the Lord does not see as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. ~1 Sam. 16:7

If you find yourself falling for a girl who offers you only casual friendship, or worse, the cold shoulder, first get it settled with God that she is the one to pursue.  Even if a woman tells a man to "get lost" but he knows in his heart that she's the right one, he can still wait and pray for God's timing.  I know of many married couples whose courtship began this way." ~Elisabeth Elliot 

So, this is pretty obvious, right?  Still, I didn't want to over-spiritualize or be looking for things, so I tried to keep a level head.  (Ok, you can stop laughing now.  I know level-headedness is not one of my character qualities.)  I just wanted to be very sure before I shared anything of what I felt with him because I cared about him deeply and didn't want to wound his heart over something I may or may not be certain about.  So, I prayed that the Lord would give me a great big flashing neon sign!

The next evening, Jamie called.  He had moved to L.A. over the weekend and wanted to come see me.  I wondered if the Lord wanted me to share with him what was on my heart.  I prayed and waited.  Nothing.  After a couple of hours he got up to leave.  I was convinced I wasn't to say anything.

early dating days of '92

I  stood to hug him and found I could not let go.  Even if I tried, I would not have been able to tear myself from him.  So I clung to him and started shaking.  HOW TOTALLY EMBARRASSING!!!  ...and weird!  He asked, "Are you ok?"  I said, "Yes."  He asked, "Are you trembling or is that me?"  "It's me," I said.  Then I blurted out, "I don't know what's going on, but I've been missing you and thinking of you."  I think he was in shock.  So, he pulled me over to the couch so we could talk.  He told me he had been praying for the Lord to change my heart for years...but especially the past month and a half.

Well, it worked!  I finally saw in him everything I always wanted.

And Jesus said, "Do you believe I am able to do this?"

They said to Him, "Yes, Lord."

Then He touched their eyes saying, "Let it be done to you according to your faith."

~Matthew 9:28-29

We were married 4 months later.







P.S. Join me in the Completing Him Challenge.  I am several months behind, but hey!  Better late than never!

Completing him

I just discovered a wonderful blog: Women Living Well.  She is doing a challenge this summer, titled "Completing Him."  Even though I am late in starting this challenge, I am going forward with it anyway.  Check it out and bless your husband.  Click here for the link.