Ok, so she wasn't verbally asking me, but it was in my morning devotion...written by her.
The question stunned me.
It's good, right?
No, it must be bad because greatness brings pride, doesn't it?
Darn! I don't know.
With a passionate personality and "stage presence" like I have, I have grown used to attention being drawn my way. I have always figured it was the God-given personality I have embraced. Writing, dancing, motherhood, politics, scripture. I never thought maybe I was totally motivated by pride. Granted, there are plenty of moments (weeks at times) of pride, self-righteousness, and pharisaical attitudes that I am so thankful God brings to my attention. But is my sole motivating factor self? Yuck! It is certainly possible. God knows my heart and so here I am wondering why I do what I do.
I may say that my heart's intent is to do what I can to secure a free future for my children, to make the truth known, to save the unborn, to be concerned with the eternal salvation of mankind. But is it really? I am not saying it is and I'm not saying it isn't, but I do want God to search me and know my heart, try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. (Ps. 139:23-24)
I certainly don't embrace or approve of passivity or ignorance. What's a passionate girl to do!?
God, help me to get over myself.
"Jesus...did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. He humbled Himself and became obedient to death -- even death on a cross." (Php. 2:8-9)Humility. Service. Passion. Action for the sole motive of righteousness, salvation, and bringing pleasure to God. Not caring who gets the credit.
Oh please God, let this be me.
"There is no limit to what a man can do or where he can go if he doesn't mind who gets the credit." ~Ronald Reagan
I want to be a world-changer. Is that ok?
Why do I want this? So that truth and righteousness will reign, not deceit. Not so I can say, "Hey! Over here! World-changer here!" Do I care if anyone ever knows how much I do or what efforts I make? I can say no, but I can also look at the not-so-distant past when I was not only grossly under-appreciated for something I'd done, but wrongly accused of causing harm. I did not handle it well. It was not pretty. Suddenly I wanted to demand recognition and appreciation. And so my true colors show. Yuck!
So, I guess I don't know yet. How will I perform the next time the pressure comes? Oh please, Lord, let me pass this test.
This is a struggle for me to grasp today, and to figure out how to balance. What is my true motivation? Is it to be great? Is it to exalt myself or my ideas? I see these as possibilities. I hope not. Change me! Or is it truly for men's salvation, and a future for my children and nation as I so often claim? I must meditate on this today and see if I am standing in the right place, in Your will. Please show me. I need to know what in me requires change or even purging. Help me today, Lord.
(The devotion is Jesus: 90 Days With The One And Only by Beth Moore.)