rushed

I’m a rush of nothing and everything.  educate, wash the laundry, hang the laundry, dust, vacuum, read, get distracted online, spend too much time online, remember to plan dinner, forget to plan dinner, I hate making dinner. Take down the laundry, “clean up the room”, I need to vacuum the floor, “pick up your toys so I can vacuum the floor”, wash my hair, it’s too late to wash my hair.

Why do I feel like life is passing me by and I am totally missing it?  Will my kids look back and see an absent mom?  I didn’t play enough.  I didn’t laugh enough.  I wanted to change the world too much.  Is everything I pursue in vain?  I want to help with this and that.  I want to focus completely on my family and nothing else.  Because the other things take me from them.  But I feel a driving force behind me, pushing me to speak, to truth, to change, to hope, to despair, to words that seem to go unheeded.

Put down the phone.

Turn off the computer.

Make lists and get to them when I get to them.

Light a candle.

Play some music.

Go for a walk.

Breathe.

Read.  Really read. 

Smile.

Laugh.

Breathe.

Make a dang meal.  It won’t kill you.

Enjoy the cardboard village that invades these walls.

Accept that the world is falling apart.  Yes, God knows about it.  No, I won’t save it all by myself.  But I can do what is right for me, for my family, according to the truth of God’s word.

Relax.  It’s all in His plan.  

Do not turn to the right or the left, but hear that voice behind me that says, “this is the way; walk in it.”  And have peace.

Pause.

Breathe.

Search Him.

Yield.

Obey.

Love deep and full and for real...no matter what.

Yesterday evening, I worked at my clothesline quietly, praying that my mind, heart, life wouldn’t be such a jumble.    Crying for a break.  I am so driven to inform people of truth and so exhausted of it.  I wonder so often if I am just shouting into the streets to deaf, annoyed ears.  I love facebook.  I hate facebook.  It drains the life out of me, distracts me terribly because I am so darn distractable, wears me out.  I hate it more than I like it.  I am addicted to it.  I prayed last night that if the Lord told me to walk away, I just would.  I want to yield, always yield.

This morning, my CWA director called to ask me if I would take over her job as CWA Area Director for Southern California.  I am a magnet for stuff like this.  She told me that I came to mind easily because I’m basically already doing the job since I am so politically vocal on facebook and such.  In addition, I would need to spend about an hour a month collecting monthly reports and passing them along to the Field Office and that’s basically it.  I, of course, can lobby, add more Prayer Action Leaders, plan events, etc., but only if I want to.  A perk is that CWA pays my way to their every-other-year training conferences usually in D.C.

I was listening to Gregg Harris on my iPod yesterday talk about his “Seasons of Life” philosophy.  Statesmen are those in the latter phase of life.  How old was Deborah?  How old was David?  I don’t know, but it’s worth finding out.  This, according to his ideas, is my homemaking time of life...and boy isn’t it?  I have enough on my plate raising two boys, and trying and failing to be attentive to my husband.

I mentioned it to Jamie and he seems to think the CWA thing is a good fit for me.  And thinks it’s an answer to yesterday’s facebook prayer.  And that if my biggest issue is that I’m frustrated that no one is listening to me, then so what?  It’s not like I’m truly suffering.

True.

“Do not grow weary in doing good.”

My heart is in setting this country right side up.  And I do not want half-hearted no-one-else-will-do-it obligations to take me from that unless God ordains it.  

So, I’m praying.  And hoping I can get my life together.  I’ve been so tired and such a homebody.  Unmotivated to move and be out and about.  Odd for me.  I’m hoping it is just a passing phase.  And trying not to succumb to the “a body at rest stays at rest” science.

Activating my mind toward U.S. history & politics makes me alive.  So crazy and geeky, I know.  Who would ever have imagined? 

I/We also need to come to some sort of decision about Expo and whether or not we will continue to help as Exhibitor Coordinators.  I just don’t know.   

Duty, Obedience

Life is not about me.  But I don’t live like that.  I live selfishly and vainly.  I want a nap.  I want my time. I want my will.

I am scatterbrained and unorganized and I don’t often use my time well.

I am tired and I want to do what I want to do.

I want to write.  I want to speak about the injustices of planet earth.  I want to expose the dangers in America.  I want truth.  I want to dance.  I want to educate my children well.  I want to read.

But I’m needed to plan events, to serve, to fulfill my role as this or that.  

George Washington.  

Today, I felt/feel so unsettled in life.  I love my life, but I don’t think I embrace it as I should.  I don’t think I enjoy it as I should.  I fear that I will look back on it and think it wasn’t a happy life, but instead a life full of people-need-me-to-do-this-and-that.  And then I thought, well, George Washington wanted to farm and live cozy at Mount Vernon, but he was hardly able to.  Duty called.  He obeyed.  But there is a rest forever in heaven for him and for all who enter His rest.  So what if this life isn’t all about what my ambitions and desires are?  Obey and do right.

I don’t often do right, I think.  I get consumed with the affairs of this world - with politics, with government.  I feel off-balance.  I want to turn off Facebook forever.  I want someone else to take on the affairs of this world, so I can read and have fun with my kids and keep my house clean and be fluffy and bubbly and fun.  But I am compelled by something deeper to speak, to shout, to expose truth.  

Gregg Harris has been sharing his message “Seasons of Life.”  I ought not to comment on it since I haven’t actually heard it in its entirety.  But what I have heard, I often think about.  As the church body, we all ought to be using our gifts to serve one another.  But many are not serving at all.  And those who are are trying to fill every need the church has.  Gregg Harris says that our life is about seasons: 1. the disciple/student phase, 2. the raising a family/homemaking phase, 3. the grandparent phase, 4. the pastoral phase, 5. the statesman phase.  But it seems that most are reaching the grandparent/retirement years, shirking all responsibility, RV-ing and golfing and leaving the world to be run and solved by those who ought to be focusing on their families.  But since they don’t lead in their churches or in government, the Sarah Palins of the world are having to step up and step in.  I have been asked 4 times to run for the local school board.  I don’t want to.  But if no other common sense person will do it, must I?  Where are the leaders?  Where is duty?  If people of sanity don’t fill these roles, this nation will not improve but will only follow its path over the edge.

It is no wonder New Jersey legalized assisted suicide yesterday.  We reach retirement age, we check out of life and all that matters, and we wonder why we’re not worth anything at the end of it.  It’s no wonder the value of the lives of the elderly is beginning to be looked at as nothing and disposable.  But God knows the number of our days.  He has a plan and purpose for each one.  We ought to live like it.  

This world exhausts me

Tornadoes, the compromising/borderline heretical church, illegals that are given privilege, good and decent families deported for no reason, government scams and cover-ups and lies, the killing of a million unborn and innocent babies every year (3000 today)...

Oh, this world is not my home.

When I am overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

For the sufferings of this world are not worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in us.

Jesus, Abba - I love Your Word.  It is life and peace and truth.  An anchor for my anxious heart.

Jamie’s Great-Aunt Ann and her son-in-law, Tommy, died in the Granbury, TX tornado last week.  Ann’s daughter and Tommy’s wife, Betsy, remains severely injured in the hospital.  6 people died in total.  

Praying for Moore, OK, today.  The devastation from its tornado is challenging to comprehend.  But I love seeing the stories of miracles and kind-hearted Americans and Christians and churches who are desperate to help.  I want to help and I want to raise helpers.  To be people that run into danger when everyone is running out - all for the sake of one who might be saved.  To be people who swiftly and tirelessly move and dig and uncover so that a frightened one can see light, can have hope, can live.

P.R.A.Y.

It seems blogs are hard to fit into my schedule these days.
In truth, they've always been hard to fit into my schedule.  But I do like to write when there's time.  I wonder if that will be in 10 years...when little boys are gone and I'm trying to fill hours previously occupied by book reading, math teaching, history devouring, and just kid learning in general.  It's ok.  I have many ambitions.  But am learning that I must prioritize those ambitions alongside the things I am obligated to, and maybe the extras will fit in later.

So, I've had these thoughts jotted down on my to-do list for at least two months.  Oh well.  Sooner or later it hits the old blog.

I enjoyed the pleasure of dancing at The Rock in San Diego in December for an event their women's ministry was putting on.  A woman spoke and, though I can't remember her name, I do remember her heart.  One of the many valuable nuggets she mentioned was a very practical tool that she suggested to us.

P.R.A.Y.

Sometimes we get so busy and so overwhelmed but it only takes a couple of minutes to P.R.A.Y.

And, though I do usually have the chance to study the Bible most mornings, I have decided to apply P.R.A.Y. to my almost-daily clothes-hanging time.

Jamie got me a cute clothesline a few months ago and boy, do I love it!!  I feel like I'm channelling my darling Grandma.  Weird, I know.  But really I do love it.  It forces me outside for at least 10-15 minutes a day (and usually motivates me to be out there more) where I can listen to the birds sing, the wind blow, the few words of walkers and bike-riders as they pass by, the dogs barking, today it was the unpleasant yelling of a distant neighbor (not my fave), but overall it is a pleasant-to-the-ear time.  I love, in this season, that I can immerse myself in the smell of the orange and grapefruit blossoms...absolutely my favorite aroma on earth.  And I love that for a few minutes a day, I can breathe and slow down...because hanging clothes and folding them takes time and can't be rushed and must be done.  So I allow myself... no, I force myself to pause.  And during that pause I P.R.A.Y. -  just like that darling lady at The Rock suggested.

Praise God for His goodness.
Repent of my recent sins and misbehaviors.
Ask those things which my heart desires.
Yield to His will even if it's not what I thought I wanted; knowing that He is good always.

This only takes a few minutes and I have enjoyed this (somewhat) regularly scheduled time where I converse with God.

You know what I've noticed, though?
Every day I have to repent of something.  Every.single.day.  Really?  I realized this after about a week or so of daily repenting.  I went out there one day and I thought, "Maybe today I have nothing to repent of." And about 1.5 seconds later I realized I did have something to repent of.  And it's pretty much been like that every day.  ...except now I'm not surprised.  I always say something I shouldn't have.  Or had a bad attitude toward a member of my family.  Or should have exerted more energy and attention into this or that. Or, or, or.  Ho hum.  "The heart is deceitfully wicked.  Who can know it?" (Jer. 17:9)  "For we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Rom. 3:23)
Don't I know it?  I fall short every single day.

"Purify me from my sins, 

and I will be clean; 

Wash me, and I will be

whiter than snow.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,

and make me willing to obey You."

~Psalm 51:7,12

It's such a bummer to be convicted.  All I want is to feel free, clean, and not bear the weight of even my smallest and most unintentional sin.  And so we lay these at His feet.  He takes it.  We may have to make it right within our own earthly relationships, but He is faithful and just to forgive us of ours ins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Anyway, I thought that maybe I might not be the only one who has something to repent of every day.  And thought I'd mention the easy practice of P.R.A.Y.ing.

God bless you,

Psalm 30, the Kori version

My Beth Moore Bible study encouraged me to take Psalm 30 and express my own version of it.  Here goes:

Psalm 30

I will exalt You, Lord,

because You have radically rescued me

and have not allowed

abortion to ruin me forever.

Lord my God, I cried to You for help,

and You heard me, and loved much.

Lord, You brought me so far;

You spared me from

my own hell, sorrow, and numb existence.

Sing to the Lord, you His faithful ones, 

and praise His holy name.

For His disappointment lasts only a moment,

but His favor, a lifetime.

Weeping may spend the night, 

but there is joy in the morning.

When I was secure, I said,

"I don't need anyone.

I'm strong in my own will.

I won't fall."

Lord, when You showed Your favor,

You made me overwhelmingly relieved

and unexplainably at peace;

when You were displeased with me

I was terrified.

Lord, I called to You;

I sought favor from my Lord;

"What gain is there in my brokenness

and mindless existence?

Lord, listen and be gracious to me;

Lord, be my helper."

You turned my grief, guilt, and shame

 into dancing, hope, and revelation.

You removed my sin and unquenchable sadness

and clothed me with

peace, truth, healing

so that I can sing to You and not be silent.

Lord my God, I will praise You forever.

(italics mine)

my weaknesses today

Today, I vacuumed like a fiend!  No, I am not Suzy Homemaker.  I got a new Dyson!  My old vacuum is still sitting in the hallway.  I'm sure my husband would like that to be gone from the hallway when he gets home.

Today, I moved 20 gallons of paint from the garage to the shed in an effort to continue organizing my garage.  No, it is still not organized.  I mean, look at this!

Today, I assembled a new wardrobe for dance costumes.  When I disassembled the old one, I whacked myself in the head with a pole.  Yeah, that felt good.

Today, I admitted to the world (via Facebook) that I am not in the least bit domestic.  It went like this:  "I think I'll start blogging for moms who can't cook, are allergic to the kitchen, couldn't care less about being crafty, but still want to raise world changers. I'm feeling incredibly inadequate when I see all these domestic genius moms around me. You all are amazing! How can a non-domestic type compare!? :-) Maybe you all can look into mass producing your domesticity and shipping it to us kitchen/craft phobes."  Yes, I am passionate.  Yes, I love my husband and my children.  Yes, I love my country.  Yes, I love Jesus, the Lord and Savior and forever Healer of my life!  Yes, I speak boldly about the things the move my heart.   But, I hate crafts, baking, cooking and doing creative things that would otherwise please my family.  I don't even like to babysit.  How's that for some honesty?  When I put something on the stove, I walk away and forget about it because I just don't want to stand there idly waiting for food to do what it does.  I burn things because of this.  I often have pots that boil over.  My husband shakes his head.  Contrary to popular belief, I cannot multitask.  Yes, I have many things going on at one time and they all sit unfinished as I start a new task.  I will eventually finish each one, but not before annoying myself and my husband by the mess I leave in my wake.  My son, Brandon, is the same way.

Today, I read this blog post:  Competitive Mothering and I loved it and it has inspired me to boast in my weaknesses.  I try to follow many wonderful mom blogs, but what I really want to know that they have Mount Washmore in their laundry hampers, too.  I mean, how do these gorgeous women homeschool numerous children, bake the best cinnamon rolls in the world, keep a spotless house, raise goats and chickens, and have time to write about it?!!  I often have the most hideous time management.  I would rather play a logic puzzle on my phone than do some task that would actually allow me more leisure to read a book, play a game, etc.  I spend too much time on my computer and I need to do something about that.  Right now, as I write, my dining room table houses an old purse and a tote bag full of papers...both of which I really need to put away.  The manual to my new Dyson is poking out from under my computer and there are about 157 lego pieces strewn over the table.  Oh! and 2 Hershey's Kisses (which I should not have eaten) wrappers stare at me reminding me that Christmas has been one poor excuse for too much egg nog, candy, cookies, and calories.  I refuse to step on the scale.  Ha!

I hope that in the next week, I will finish the garage and the shed.
I hope that I will get back on my bike and be motivated to do so.
I hope that I have not gained the 5 pounds I'm pretty sure have glued themselves to my waist and tush.
I hope it's only 5, and not more.
I hope that we will melt into a decent "school" schedule.
I hope I will read instead of wasting time on Facebook and logic puzzles.  And maybe clean the house a bit, too.
I hope I will write more.  I like to do that and so many ideas fly through my mind, but I don't take the time to do it....because Mt. Washmore is calling my name.

Anyway, this is a little bit of venting, but mostly I just want to keep it real and boast in my weaknesses.  I have two AWESOME boys who, today, when my hub showed them a pic of a "politically connected family" who recently visited our desert, they recognized the political figure in the bunch.  They read Red Wall books and I am shocked over that.  They just counted out nearly $60 in change all on their own.  And when I asked them to clean the guinea pig cage, they did it.  I have clean floors today (ok, so they do need a good mopping).  I have paint stored properly.  I have costumes (almost) put away --- ok, so there's still a pile on my bed!  I have a husband that probably would like a wholesome home-cooked meal but loves me even when most of the time that just doesn't happen.  My home is full and beautiful, but my yard has junk all over it.  My dog door is really dirty...it's almost gross...no, it IS gross.  And I have no idea how to clean it effectively.  Many people think I am amazing.  I'm not...obviously.  I'm just me.  But in those things where I excel, I want to be a blessing.  And I want a cozy home for my family.  I think I accomplish these things (for the most part).

I am a work in progress and may never be Rachel Ray in the kitchen, but I will get better at the things I'm not so hot at.  "He who began a good work in [me] will be faithful to complete it..."  There's always something to work on.  (And I didn't even talk about my unpleasant responses to the people that annoy me.) Be strong in my weaknesses, Lord!

It's getting dark and I have to go to the shed.
And I will reheat the Christmas chili (which I cheated and made from a kit) for dinner... which neither of my boys are thrilled about, but my hub loves.

And it's ok that I'm not a domestic diva.  I am a patriotic, Christ-loving, passionate wife and mom; and I don't know too many like me.  That may make me a really radical odd ball, but today I'll be glad that I am filling a unique role that a handful of others appreciate, and I feel called to.