Monday, August 23, 2010

beauty from ashes, part 1

To read this story in it's entirety, please click on the "beauty from ashes: my abortion story" tab above.
I was a "good girl" all through high school.  I didn't party, smoke, drink, or hang out with people who did.  I was actively involved in Christian clubs and youth groups, a cheerleader, and an all-around positive and peppy person.  I went to church every Sunday but I never really knew the Lord or went deep in my relationship with Him.  I was a "good person" and felt like that's what I needed to do to be a "good Christian."  I never prayed unless I really wanted something and I never read the Bible except a few key verses like Jeremiah 29:11, John 3:16 and others that everyone knows.  When I did try to read, I didn't understand what I was reading so I just skipped that part of my life as a Christian.

I always dreamed I'd find my "Prince Charming" and live happily ever after.  All sorts of frogs came and I kissed them all and none of them turned into a prince.  My heart was broken time and time again.

There was one guy who had asked me out numerous times.  I knew he was a "player" and slept around with a lot of girls.  I refused him every time except once.  We started to date and I tried to keep him at arm's distance until my will power was no longer enough and I stumbled into an impure relationship with him.  He held my heart and I fell wholly into my imagined life with him.  He was my friend, I thought.  I even had considered him a good friend.  
When I found out I was pregnant, I clung to him.  I was afraid and trusted him fully.  At first, I denied I was pregnant and he insisted on a test.  When it proved to be positive, I went numb...shocked and unfeeling, yet convicted that I must give life to this baby.  My reputation as a Christian was on the line and I was embarrassed about what people might think of me.  So I hid.  I hid in my make-believe world with this guy.  I made him my everything.  One problem:  he didn't want to be my everything.  He asked me what I wanted to do and I said I couldn't have an abortion and the discussion was put on hold.  How he convinced me, I will never know, except that I felt like I had nothing but him and found myself in a place where I only wanted to do whatever he wanted me to do.  So, I agreed to an abortion.  

And he made all the arrangements.

He took me to Planned Parenthood where I took another pregnancy test and the result was the same.  A woman named Tobi was helping me.  All I could say was, "My sister's name is Tobi."  She was kind, blonde like my sister.  She told me my options but I knew what I had come for and she said I was too early in my pregnancy to have an abortion and had to wait two weeks.  Two weeks = an eternity.  I spent those two weeks at my boyfriend's house, hiding.  I only left to go to school and work.  Then, I returned to him.  I was a zombie.  No emotion, no response, no nothing.  Lethargically and pathetically putting one foot in front of the other every second of the day until that day was over, and then I'd do it again the next.  I was in dance class and couldn't balance on my two feet.  I had an audition and was off.  My life was out-of-balance and off, and spiraling to one deadly encounter that would occur in a clinic for a "routine" procedure that "women do on their lunch breaks every day."  Yes, that is what Planned Parenthood told me.

I held my hands on my belly one night and began to ponder the life being created within me.  Peace and excitement flooded over me, and I knew that if I had this child, everything would be alright.  No matter what happened.  I thought for sure my boyfriend would share in the excitement.  After all, he had asked me to marry him (in total, he asked me three times).  So, I called him and told him that everything would be fine and we could have this baby.  From my elation, he jerked me back to reality and I plunged, collapsing into a disastrous heap.  We would not have this baby.  He was decided and I wanted to please him.

The day came.  I don't remember where I was or where I was going.  The geographic location remained a mystery to me until several years later when I sought the location for my own emotional and spiritual healing which I will talk about later.  My boyfriend drove me and that is all I knew.  I clung to him.  We had the cheapest procedure possible so I was awake for the whole thing.  I was the first appointment on a Friday morning in February.  We walked into the waiting room, I sat down and I don't remember much except that there was cork board covered in pro-choice bumper stickers and there were 2 or 3 people also in the waiting room.  My appointment was at 8:00 am and the next appointment was at 8:15 am.  In disbelief, I said to my boyfriend, "They do these every 15 minutes?"  "Be quiet," he said.  And so, I remained silent unless someone asked me a question.  I was taken back and given a blood test and taken into an office where I had to sign a release form consisting of two pages and at least 30-40 side effects of the abortion including death.  I was sweet, compliant, and dead...all except for heart beats...mine and my baby's.  But, soon, that would change.

To be continued....

p.s.  I want to mention that, though my boyfriend at the time seems like a monster as I write this, there has been great healing in my life regarding him and I wish him the very best and a fulfilling life in Jesus.  God was doing a work in my life and he was a part of that work.  I will explain more later about what kind of interaction, forgiveness, and healing has occurred since the events written here.

Please share this story if you like or think it can help some one else.

Click here for Part 2.


  1. I don't know what to say Kori, I am sorry you had to go through and experience this. I wish I were there to give you big (((HUGS))) and talk with you in person about this. I am glad that you have healed, that is important! Know that I am always here for you if you ever need to talk about this... I love you.

  2. Kori, I love your honesty and vulnerability in sharing this dark time of your life. I know it will help many moms/women who have gone through what you have, and for those who haven't, compassion for those who have. I know redemption is coming in your story, as I've seen the depth of your smile and the love that you shine. I know God will use you and your story for His glory. Many blessings, Beth M

  3. Kori,

    What courage you have to open up about this. Your feeling comes thru profoundly in this narrative, and your writing is excellent. I hope that this inspires and helps many other women and men who find themselves in such difficulty.


  4. Thank you so much Kori for sharing this with us all! Made me tear up just reading it. You are such a sweet friend who has an undeniable love for the Lord and wants to be used to His glory! Again, thank you so much for sharing. I know your story and what you have been through will touch the hearts of others and bring healing. love you friend! Erika

  5. Oh my gosh Kori, I too have had an abortion. My mom made me. Which at the time I thought was a good idea because I was a very immature 19 yr old, and my mom ruled my life. The guy was a woman hitter and I had left him. I had no help from my mom only condemnation. My dad drove to me to the abortion clinic, waited and took me home. The next day I was on an airplane back to Kodiak, Alaska to try to make my marriage work with my husband. I have been so blessed in so many ways and forgiven. I love you and thank you for sharing. I am almost done with the book. Thanks

  6. I'm on the edge of my seat to hear the rest of the story, Kori! Can't wait to learn about how God has worked in your life.

  7. Hi Kori,

    This is so powerful. Thank you for your willingness to share your heart, your deep pain, and your healing with us. It's an honor to be let into such a deep place. I pray that many will find healing and restoration because of your obedience in sharing this story. I, too, wait for the rest of the story...

  8. Kori, My dear Kari shared your blog site with me and I am just so touched. Praise the Lord for his mercy and healing. How wonderful that you can share this and in doing so help another. I also looked at your dance ministry video and was greatly blessed. You are quite a gal. Im so glad you are Kari's friend. You are a treasure. Love, Darlene

  9. hi this is kari's sister & i think its beautiful you could open up & be so honest & open w/ your experience. God is definately using you to touch people's hearts & help others out there. :) Thanks for sharing!, Grace

  10. Thank you all for your very kind comments. (And I love getting my prayer partner's fam chiming in! You are like my own family as Kari is so dear to my heart.)
    I will get around to finishing this up soon. Stay tuned! Love you all so.

  11. I love you so very much. I hope you know that.

  12. Kori,
    Thank you for sharing your story. You are a beautiful writer. You write with such heart and detail. God is an amazing healer and cares for us so much. He cares for us through others and his word. I love your story about his word. It is full of life and God speaking to us. I love how he has restored you and made you so beautiful. He heals to the depths of our hearts. He brings so much good out of all we go through. I love that you have two sons and a man that loves you dearly and most of all that loves God. I know by you sharing your story that others can begin to be healed too. Our testimonies are so powerful and God gets all the victory. Thank you Kori for your honesty and sharing your heart and life with all of us. I know I was deeply touched by it and others will be healed through it.

  13. Thank you for sharing your testimony. God will use it in the lives of many women. Praise God for His healing power and for His wonderful grace found in our Lord Jesus Christ!

  14. Precious Kori,
    Thank you so very much for sharing so much of yourself with everyone who reads your story of redemption. You are an incredible blessing. I wish your story could be printed into booklet form and placed in every Planned Parenthood and similar locations across the nation. I want your message to get into the hands of those who are at the crossroads of decision so they will be empowered to choose life. They need to know that there is a Savior out there who cares and loves them unconditionally as you have experienced so completely. Thank you so very much for making that so clear in your message. Our God is so good.

  15. Kori,
    I already treasured you when we got to tour I Denver but now I feel as if the treasure has increased. You have a gift of writing and God is using that in your beautiful life story. Keep sharing lovely one. I am glad to call you friend.

  16. Kori,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story! You are such an amazing, sweet, kind, caring woman. I am so thankful that God gave me the chance to spend even a short time with you. I know many women will be blessed and strengthened by your story. You are a great writer!

    Jane Rattray

  17. Thank you Kori for your story. Mine is similar in some ways. Shame loves to haunt me with guilt next. I don't know if ever it goes away and stays gone forever. God reminds me that He already forgave me, that gives me peace. Your story is very healing for me. Thank you so much.
    ~ nicole barrett
    I didn't want to chose anonymous but I didn't have any of those other accounts. Never been on here before. :)

  18. Kori I am so proud of you for sharing this in such a public way. God will bless you for it and you may never know who or how many lives you will affect but He does. I will be praying for you and I am going to add this to facebook so someone may see it that may need to. I love you and you have reminded me that I still need to finish my story and that you are and incredible woman.