beauty from ashes, part 1

To read this story in it's entirety, please click on the "beauty from ashes: my abortion story" tab above.

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I was a "good girl" all through high school.  I didn't party, smoke, drink, or hang out with people who did.  I was actively involved in Christian clubs and youth groups, a cheerleader, and an all-around positive and peppy person.  I went to church every Sunday but I never really knew the Lord or went deep in my relationship with Him.  I was a "good person" and felt like that's what I needed to do to be a "good Christian."  I never prayed unless I really wanted something and I never read the Bible except a few key verses like Jeremiah 29:11, John 3:16 and others that everyone knows.  When I did try to read, I didn't understand what I was reading so I just skipped that part of my life as a Christian.

I always dreamed I'd find my "Prince Charming" and live happily ever after.  All sorts of frogs came and I kissed them all and none of them turned into a prince.  My heart was broken time and time again.

There was one guy who had asked me out numerous times.  I knew he was a "player" and slept around with a lot of girls.  I refused him every time except once.  We started to date and I tried to keep him at arm's distance until my will power was no longer enough and I stumbled into an impure relationship with him.  He held my heart and I fell wholly into my imagined life with him.  He was my friend, I thought.  I even had considered him a good friend.  

When I found out I was pregnant, I clung to him.  I was afraid and trusted him fully.  At first, I denied I was pregnant and he insisted on a test.  When it proved to be positive, I went numb...shocked and unfeeling, yet convicted that I must give life to this baby.  My reputation as a Christian was on the line and I was embarrassed about what people might think of me.  So I hid.  I hid in my make-believe world with this guy.  I made him my everything.  One problem:  he didn't want to be my everything.  He asked me what I wanted to do and I said I couldn't have an abortion and the discussion was put on hold.  How he convinced me, I will never know, except that I felt like I had nothing but him and found myself in a place where I only wanted to do whatever he wanted me to do.  So, I agreed to an abortion.  

And he made all the arrangements.

He took me to Planned Parenthood where I took another pregnancy test and the result was the same.  A woman named Tobi was helping me.  All I could say was, "My sister's name is Tobi."  She was kind, blonde like my sister.  She told me my options but I knew what I had come for and she said I was too early in my pregnancy to have an abortion and had to wait two weeks.  Two weeks = an eternity.  I spent those two weeks at my boyfriend's house, hiding.  I only left to go to school and work.  Then, I returned to him.  I was a zombie.  No emotion, no response, no nothing.  Lethargically and pathetically putting one foot in front of the other every second of the day until that day was over, and then I'd do it again the next.  I was in dance class and couldn't balance on my two feet.  I had an audition and was off.  My life was out-of-balance and off, and spiraling to one deadly encounter that would occur in a clinic for a "routine" procedure that "women do on their lunch breaks every day."  Yes, that is what Planned Parenthood told me.

I held my hands on my belly one night and began to ponder the life being created within me.  Peace and excitement flooded over me, and I knew that if I had this child, everything would be alright.  No matter what happened.  I thought for sure my boyfriend would share in the excitement.  After all, he had asked me to marry him (in total, he asked me three times).  So, I called him and told him that everything would be fine and we could have this baby.  From my elation, he jerked me back to reality and I plunged, collapsing into a disastrous heap.  We would not have this baby.  He was decided and I wanted to please him.

The day came.  I don't remember where I was or where I was going.  The geographic location remained a mystery to me until several years later when I sought the location for my own emotional and spiritual healing which I will talk about later.  My boyfriend drove me and that is all I knew.  I clung to him.  We had the cheapest procedure possible so I was awake for the whole thing.  I was the first appointment on a Friday morning in February.  We walked into the waiting room, I sat down and I don't remember much except that there was cork board covered in pro-choice bumper stickers and there were 2 or 3 people also in the waiting room.  My appointment was at 8:00 am and the next appointment was at 8:15 am.  In disbelief, I said to my boyfriend, "They do these every 15 minutes?"  "Be quiet," he said.  And so, I remained silent unless someone asked me a question.  I was taken back and given a blood test and taken into an office where I had to sign a release form consisting of two pages and at least 30-40 side effects of the abortion including death.  I was sweet, compliant, and dead...all except for heart beats...mine and my baby's.  But, soon, that would change.

To be continued....



p.s.  I want to mention that, though my boyfriend at the time seems like a monster as I write this, there has been great healing in my life regarding him and I wish him the very best and a fulfilling life in Jesus.  God was doing a work in my life and he was a part of that work.  I will explain more later about what kind of interaction, forgiveness, and healing has occurred since the events written here.

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Click here for Part 2.