beauty from ashes, part 5

To read this story in it's entirety, please click on the "beauty from ashes: my life" tab above.

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(To read this story from the beginning, please click here.)

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That night when I stood sobbing at Renee's door, she told me she had a guest over who worked with a group called Silent Voices and that Silent Voices held a post-abortion syndrome workshop that helped women cope with and heal from their abortions.  She signed me up and paid my way.

A few weeks later, I stepped out of my car in a Chula Vista parking lot, potluck dish in hand.  There was a beautiful Hispanic woman in the parking lot.  "Surely, she isn't here for the workshop, too?" I thought.  But, she was.  We'll call her "Mona" and, as it turned out, she was the most prominent personality of the entire weekend.  Her story.  Her emotion.  The utter incomprehensibility of her situation sent our jaws to the floor.  But, that's jumping ahead.  So, let me back up.

Up the stairs we went...thoughts and curiosities of the other floating through our heads.

Me:  "She seems so put together.  I'm a mess.  How can we possibly be here for the same thing?"

Her:  "She's so young.  Too young to come to something like this."

In reality, I was young.  Just turned 20.  Of the 8 women, I was easily the youngest, not to mention the most recent woman to have aborted.  The oldest was in her 50's and the nearest to my age was in her 30's.  Women who had carried their dark secret for so long.  It had depressed them, caused them pain, cost them their marriages, led to adultery, multiple abortions, lives of chaos, confusion, despair.

So, I guess abortion isn't the convenient, do-it-quickly-during-your-lunch-break, there-are-no-emotional-or-physical-side-effects "procedure" our culture tells us it is.

(oh no!  I am forgetting them!  These beautiful women that healed alongside me ...and their stories.  Jesus, please help me to remember.)

We all shared our stories that first night.
"Laura" had 9 abortions and seemed indifferent to them all.
"Debbie" had become a prostitute.
"Mona" hid her pregnancy from her parents while she was away at boarding school as a teenager.  Her parents found out, tricked her into coming home, and dragged her from clinic to clinic for a forced abortion.  Each time she was left alone in a room, she would beg the doctor for the life of her baby.  This worked until she ended up at yet another abortion provider.  They refused her pleas and attempted the abortion.  She fled down the hallway and locked herself in a bathroom where, at 8 months pregnant, the trauma sent her into labor.  She gave birth to her baby right there in the bathroom.  When a nurse finally got the door open, she took Mona's brand new beautiful baby boy, dumped him in a bucket, and set him on a shelf to die.

We all stared in disbelief.  What a terrible thing for someone to have to go through!

And there were more stories.

And there was healing.  We shared, cried, prayed, read scripture, bonded, forgave.

I am CREATED IN THE IMAGE OF GOD.
I am CHOSEN.
I am PROTECTED BY GOD.
I am FORGIVEN.
I am THE APPLE OF GOD'S EYE.
I am WASHED CLEAN FROM MY SINS.
I am AT PEACE WITH GOD.
I am a NEW CREATURE IN CHRIST.
I am STRONG TO THE END.
I am SET FREE.
I am FREE FROM CONDEMNATION.

3 days of intensity.  3 days of truth.
After 3 days Jesus rose from the dead.

A letter written to my baby in heaven.  Safe in the arms of Jesus.  No more pain.  Awaiting a reunion with his "mommy."

"I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me."

~2 Sam. 12:24b

"And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.  When the Son sets you free, you are free indeed!" ~John 8:32, 36


Time passed.  I shared my story here and there...but never as in depth as you are reading right now.  I've visited the very clinic that took my baby, and have read the literature of lies they hand out to people men who have sat in their waiting room.  I have requested my "paperwork" and I still have it.  I've met numerous women who came clean with their story after they heard mine.  And some who didn't know why, but knew they could tell me.
And, yes, some have healed.  Some have been saved.

ALL PRAISE BE TO GOD.

I have spoken to my "boyfriend" of that time.  And, no, he has not, to my knowledge, owned up to the truth that a life was lost that day.  But, I have forgiven him in my heart and have been able to express that verbally as well as in writing.  He is well.  He has beautiful daughters and a wife, and is successful in his work.  May he one day look at his precious girls and understand fully that those are not his only children, and may he seek forgiveness and healing.  May God bless him and his family and lead them wholly to His kingdom.

Me?  I have danced this story.  I have spoken this story.  Now, I have written this story.  But, mostly, I have LIVED this story...and I continue to live it.  Because my life will always point back to that day of peripety.

I have my own 2 beautiful boys.  Brandon and Silas.  And I will never forget my precious one in Heaven.

But, most of all, I have a husband - who is "better to me than ten sons." (1 Samuel 1:8)  He was there through my weeks of tears.  He was there every day after my time at Silent Voices.  He was there to hold my hand when the Lord prompted me to share my story.  He was there when I danced this story.  He was there.  A friend.  Trustworthy, true, strong, comforting.  Little did I know that the man who helped me through the very worst and hardest time of my life would one day be my husband.  He knew it.  God knew it.  But, I didn't ...not until 8 years later.  What a treasured friend and husband I have.

And he has been witness to many tragedies of my life since.  He is a rock.  He is my protector.  He is my balance.  He is wonderful.

He is still here.

God knows best.  He wants to give us His best.

Thus far hath the Lord helped us. ~1 Samuel 7:12

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. ~Psalm 30:5b

As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. ~Psalm 103:12

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. ~Romans 8:1a

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ~Romans 8:28

But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. ~Genesis 50:20

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  Now, if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer.  Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation." ~2 Corinthians 1:3-7

So, you have read my story.  What will you do with it?

Do you know Jesus?  Have you found your life's salvation and hope in Him?  Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6)  It's a narrow gate and a narrow way that leads to the one true God.  But, it is the only way.  "Do you believe what you really believe is really real?"  I do.  All you have to do is confess to God you are a sinner and invite Jesus to come into your life.  The prayer is easy.  "Call unto me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things which you do not know." (Jeremiah 33:3)  Then live your life for Him.  He will help you.  Go to a Bible-teaching church.  Obey Him.  It's the least we can do for all He has done for us.  "All day long I have stretched out My hands..." (Romans 10:21)  "For the joy that was set before Him, He endured the cross, despising the shame..."  (Hebrews 12:2. My paraphrase.)  He had his eyes on you.  You are His joy.  He died for you and in your place.  ("The wages of sin is death." -Romans 6:23)

Have you aborted?  Have you recognized the truth of the situation?  Don't be overwhelmed, heal.  Call Silent Voices.  619-422-0757.  Go to a workshop and live a free life.  http://www.silentvoices.org/  God can do great things in your life.  If you are depressed, you don't have to live that way.  "For such a time as this" God has you in this world.  And He has an incredible purpose for you.

Are you pregnant and you don't know what to do?  There are millions who want to help you.  Silent Voices is a great start...or any pro-life pregnancy care center near you.  http://www.silentvoices.org/ or call 619-422-0757.  Please let me know if you would like me to help you find a good pregnancy care center that can help you.

Share this story on your blog, on your facebook page, Twitter, email, whatever.  Print it and share it.  Maybe in all this writing, one person will heal or one person will turn to Jesus or one baby will be given life.

Thank you so dearly for your time.  I do not take lightly the commitment you have made to read this and, possibly, to invest emotionally.  It is long.  It is true.  It is another step in my own healing.  But, most of all, it is my testimony of the love, healing, redemption, mercy, salvation of an exquisite and enchanting God who sees everything we go through and He cares.  He wants us to be wholly dependent on Him.

"You turned for me my mourning into dancing.

Your removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.

In the end that my soul may sing praise to You 
and not be silent.

O Lord, my God, I will give You thanks FOREVER."

~Psalm 30:11-12